I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
