i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
