I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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