i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap