Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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