WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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