tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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