You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You took a bar mat shot.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
