Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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