I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
