You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
