Just fell off a train. Bad.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
is wine microwaveable?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
