Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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