what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
