My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
