Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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