You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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