if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
