That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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