i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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