Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
