Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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