SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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