If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
