Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
