i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
