I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
