everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
