Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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