Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch