The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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