I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
