Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
