I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
