Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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