i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize