the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
