: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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