If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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