i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
