she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
