The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
