So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Liz is crying about burritos again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
