I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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