Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do vagina's smell?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize