U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
