I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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