I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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