On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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