I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
