I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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