i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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