you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
