i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
