i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
